we all want something beautiful, damn i wish i was beautiful

"Time And Time Again"

I wanted so badly Somebody other than me

Staring back at me But you were gone

I wanted to see you walking backwards

And get the sensation of you coming home

I wanted to see you walking away from me

Without the sensation of you leaving me alone

[CHORUS:]

Time and time again

Time and time again

Time and time again

I can't please myself

I wanted the ocean to cover over me

I wanna sink slowly without getting wet

Maybe someday, I won't be so lonely

And I'll walk on water every chance I get

[CHORUS]

So when are you coming home Sweet angel?

You leaving me alone? All alone?

Well if I'm drowning darling, you'll come down this way on your own

I wish I was traveling on a freeway

Beneath this graveyard western sky

I'm gonna set fire to this city

And out into the desert we're gonna ride

Childhood passed me by so fast. I had to grow up faster than other children.My life was never really what a childs life was supposed to be like.You're supposed to remember playing with barbies and hide and seek when you are a little girl. Playing dress up with your little friends. But in my barbies life, instead of going shopping and such, they were getting beat and when i played house with friends we pretended that our tiny tart candies were pills that we popped 30 at a time.When i played hide and seek, i always prayed that i wouldnt be found because i wasnt hiding from my friends i was hiding from my step dad.When i drew with crayons they werent pictures of rainbows and bunnies they were pictures of people crying.Instead of having people who babysat me take care of me the way they were supposed to they brought people who molested me over. At a sleepover i was held down and molested by a friends brother and within the next little while a guy friend of mine molested me while we were playing in his house. In my mind after all that i realized thats how i could get people to like me, if i gave myself away. Instead of coming home to a nice clean happy house, i came home to the house being in shambles and my mom sitting there with her head in her hands crying.Instead of sleeping nice and peaceful...I slept with the noise of my mother being beaten and my tiny little girl hand wrapped around the hammer under my pillow,later on in life that hammer became a knife that i would use to cut myself time and time again. At age 11 i was drinking daily, at age 13 i was addicted to anything i could get my hands on. I carried around a bag full of assorted pills that i would pop 10 of in and out of school. I wasnt even bothering to hide the fact that i was fucked up then. I had given up.At age 14 i was giving away pieces of my soul to people who didnt deserve it, i was kicked out of school and i didnt even have the energy to care. At age 15 i was running away from home, trying to get pregnant and still an addict. The only sexual experiences i had were one night stands and at age 15 my best friend commited suicide...something i had wanted to do but never was able. Even after all that i didnt learn anything, i left home the day i turned 16 and was high that night.I slept with S but this time i gave away a piece of myself to someone who deserved it. I dropped out of school and all i did for an entire month was get high and when i came down i did more. I would have done anything to keep myself from thinking when i was alone. A little while after S. and I were going out i went to a guys house who i had met once. I brought H. along she left and again someone tried to take me against my will. That night i went home to S. and sat outside on the balcony crying. I'm changing though...with S. love i am finally changing. I am staying clean and i have a job. I'm getting along with my family and i'm finally admitting to myself that just because i am not perfect it doesnt mean that i need to do things to harm myself. No one is perfect. Even though my past hasnt been anything to brag about i know the future holds much more happiness for me, especially now that S. is here for me.

I have to work tonight from 6-11 and then i have to babysit for a little while. My mom is going out with some friends and then we are going back to her house. Its going to be a long and boring night but i get to see S. tomorrow so i'm happy. Thats what i have to look forward to and thats whats going to help me through tonight. Like it has so many times before.

4:04 p.m. - 2003-01-03