when you live in a nightmare, its written on your face

A few days ago i was fighting with someone and the first thought i had when i was done talking to them was, " Where is a knife, i need to bleed." *sighs* sometimes i just dont get this pathetic need to do harm to myself. It never helps anyways...actually i cant say that, because it does help sometimes. Needless to say though, i did not cut. Arent you just so proud of me?

I went to a Narcotics Anonymous dance with S. and his family. It was okay, the band wasnt that great but just being able to be with him was wonderful. He's made me totally different from what i used to be, hes changing me for the better and i appreciate it so much. Sometimes i'm not able to express how deeply i feel for him but i find ways to do it without talking and he understands. We were cuddling just before my mom came to pick me up the next day and he told me that he wanted to be with me forever. I started laughing, i think it was more because i was nervous than because it was funny. But when i asked him if he was serious he said yes and my heart just melted.I dont think i could have asked for anyone better than him.

I start working tomorrow, i have to work in the morning and then i work thursday and friday night. Oh how fun this will be,the only good thing about working at Blockbuster is that you get 10 free rentals a week. My step mom and the kids are into movies and video games so at least they get that. As soon as i actually have a permanent schedule though, i'll be getting a second job.That second income will help me with getting enough money to move out with S. again. Hopefully by the time that happens he will have payed his mom off and be able to move out.

Christmas is coming up...i dont want it to. For some reason i am dreading Christmas...maybe because the past few of them have been horrible for me. Lets hope this one isnt the same. I'll be spending Xmas eve with my mom and part of the next day with her family, then we're going to come back to stepmoms to spend it with her family. Then later on that night i'm going to S's house.

I need to start making more friends. I realized i have become quite reclusive. Part of it being that i am grounded and the other part being that not many people interest me enough.Is there anyone in Edmonton besides the ones i know that can keep me interested??? Or is it all just boring little fucks around here.*sighs*

This house is so crowded all of the time. I thought i would like it but after a while it just gets annoying.I love my family to death but i cant wait to move out. Have the peace and quiet or the loudness of my own house. Whatever i want...well and S. too.Plus i always seem to be the one who cleans up, my sister makes a mess of our room all the time and i always end up cleaning it.Just two days ago she stole something of mine. You want to know why? Because she wanted to give it to her friend as a birthday present!!! How disrespectful can you get??

I need to paint my nails...the nail polish is all chipped and its starting to look a bit ratty. I'm just so fucking lazy these days though that i dont even have the energy to paint my nails!! What the hell is wrong with me???

12:57 p.m. - 2002-12-09