Why do you stay with me even though i'm sick?

I met S. at churchill yesterday afternoon. He had just gotten into a car accident with his mom,which isnt very good. Not just because they got into an accident but because his mom was driving without insurance. I hope she doesnt get a fine.Anyways my mom had to go to the court because she was a witness for some case and S. had to pay off his traffic ticket. I was taking off my jacket so that i could fix my scarf when low and behold S. saw the cuts on my arm.He didnt say much and we went around doing our business and then later on that evening when we got to his house, he started bringing it up. He grabbed my arm really hard where the cuts were and when i cried out in pain he threw my arm away from him. There was a long pause and then he said, " You break my heart" I took my arm away and put it close to my side. I wasnt ashamed but i was saddened that he didnt understand. He asked why i did it and i made up some lame excuse. I just said that i felt like it. The real reason is because i was hurt and the cuts on me are so much easier to show my hurt than talking about it, we had a conversation the night before that just pained my heart and i felt like he was going to leave me because of my pain. I just spiraled downwards, i dont understand why he has so much control over my feelings...and sometimes i wish he didnt,other times i just wish he would understand. I wish that he would run his fingers along my cuts and think i was beautiful. I think all he sees is my pain lately though.I dont even know if he thinks i'm pretty anymore.The whole night he kept on grabbing my cut arm and pressing hard or rubbing really hard along them and when i said that it hurt he would reply, " Then you shouldnt cut yourself." He was mad at me because of it and i didnt understand why. Anyways Scott and Thaniel came over and we watched the movie mystery men and ate pizza. Scott and Thaniel are so adorable=) Then i rubbed S's back because it hurt from the car accident and i rubbed it again later on because it was hurting worse. Then i helped him shovel the walks which was when i got frostbite on my fingers. It hurts like a motherfucker. My fingers have been stinging since i was outside last night. Damn edmonton winters!

2:33 p.m. - 2003-01-23