At least i am under the illusion of doing something productive

I almost got caught. Our plans were almost ruined. How i hate phones...R. and I were talking about what we were going to do on the phone...and my brother overheard everything. About us having to have sex with guys for money, hitchhiking, where we were going first and everything! So my mom confronted me and i proceeded to make up a huge lie, saying that it was a story that we were writing. I dont know if she believes me or not but she keeps telling me that if i want to live my life as a whore to go for it. *sighs* I have such a fucked up life.

So we changed our plans and we have a guy thats going to drive us to the first place we are going. He apparently really likes me and he asked me out...i said yes but its not because i like him. The only reason i said yes was so that he would drive us for sure. I suppose i sound cruel but you have to do what you have to do to get by. To get what you want in life.

Yesturday i was talking to B. and out of the blue he tells me he misses me. I dont know how to take it because since we're such good friends he tells me everything and before he had said that to me he had told me that he missed his other ex. The one that i despise...he tries to get us to talk and we become like hellcats...its quite funny because i can always make her cry and she cant do shit to me. I dont know if it was from lack of sleep that he mentioned that but it always makes me think. He's always flirting with me and somehow hes more loving than he was when we were going out with.Strange how things work out.

I've become email friends with this man. He is 47 years old and hes married but he interests me. He says that he finds me darkly erotic and so forth...i love to be complimented like that.We shared our life stories with each other and i'm glad that i have someone like him to talk to...lets just hope i dont accidentaly fall for him.

My friend E. was supposed to come over today but he couldnt get a ride home. So hes going to come over tommorow. He's a really beautiful and talented person but like every person who is depressed he doesnt see it. We both have manic depression but i take medication and he doesnt. I've been off the medication for a while and i can feel the change. I'm impulsive and aggressive more so than i usually am.I dont mind it though...i'm back to the way i used to be...and i like it >=)

I've always had this thing for Angelina Jolie, shes beautiful, talented, and amazingly down to earth and a sex goddess.I have now found another person that if i ever met i would fall completely in love with. That person is Kelly Osbourne! Shes caring and funny and she remains herself even in the situation shes in. She doesnt give a fuck what people say and she stands up for what she thinks is right. Who could not love her??

~Sometimes she dreamed of opening the throats of angels as they sang, then straddling them as they died~

7:21 p.m. - 2002-07-02