Can you taste my loneliness?

I went to the school today and i saw some of my friends. It was really great except for i was crying because at that time i thought i wasn't going to be seeing them again, which is what my mother had been telling me. After that i went to the counselors office because i had a meeting set up with them. Ms.K wasn't there but Mr. Z was, i've never really liked him so i was disappointed but he is actually really understanding and i appreciate him trying to help me out. My mom was pretty pissed off because he was taking my side but whats new. Well, with R. telling her everything about my life i decided to admit to some things like the fact that i'm not a virgin, that i do weed at the very least 15 times a week and that i do drink. i didn't tell her who i do drugs with or where i do them, and i didn't tell her how i get my alcohol. These are things that i don't think are important for her to now. The in home worker we now have said that my mom is in shock, my mom says she thinks i'm disgusting. She says a lot of things besides that too...but i can hold my own and unlike her i won't show how much i hurt. My mom and my grandma are ragging on my dad's side of the family but i think they're absolutely fine. I get along with them better than i get along with my own mother and thats saying a lot when i've been with my mom for 15 years.The only good thing in my life right now is that i get to go back to my school.

I haven't talked to Texas, we aren't allowed to see each other anymore, that's my mothers choice. It seems as if whenever i find something good for me my mom rips it away.She's also saying that i'm not allowed to see V. but i told her i don't give a shit what she says because i'll see her at school anyway.Right now is a time where i could use something hard to drink or some weed because i can't keep feeling this way. I had depression for 2 years before but this is different, its like its a new type of depression...one where i have so much energy and i want to do so much things but inside me there's a hole...and it gets bigger and bigger every day and it spreads to my mind and makes me think of things i'd rather not be thinking of.I'm noticing new things coming up with my body...like how i can't sit still without some part of me my hands, my legs, my feet...moving. i just can't stop and all these thoughts are racing through my head and i just wanna die but i can't tell anyone that because i am already considered "high risk" by social services, child welfare, my psychiatrist, psychologist and in home worker. I don't know what to do and i want to run but i can't.They're putting me on Prozac soon which means i can't do any drugs for awhile because they need my system clean.i just wish i could hide and never come out, i don't want love anymore, i don't want anyones safety, i don't want anything but myself.

Maybe i am the selfish little slut my mom says i am...

Well it may sound absurd.

I want to be a wreck for you.

Smash out my honor on your floor.

Fill up your bathtub with my moods.

Well it may sound a little frightening.

I want to swallow all your skin.

Chew your soft tissue into ash.

Beat your ego black and blue.

I will be your doll.

I will be your hole.

I will crush your bones.

I will abrade your soul.

I will be your toy.

I will be your thing.

I will tear you down with the twist I bring.

I will be your doll.

I will be your toll at the gates of hell.

That is what I'm for.

I will be your flesh.

I will be your end.

Then on to the next.

I will start again.

I will be your doll.

I will be your girl.

I will remove your heart.

I will burn your world.

I will be your object.

Tease and tear.

I will be your,

"hell I don't have anything to wear."

I will be your slut.

I will be your bitch.

I will be your never ending,

un-befriending,

self expending,

moral bending,

thorn.

slut

Sometimes I Do

Sometimes I like you and sometimes I don't,

I feel like I'm gonna and then I won't.

Sometimes I wanna live to see a hundred,

Other times I wanna lay down and die.

chorus: Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't X4

Sometimes I'm weak and sometimes I'm strong,

You know that I've loved ya all along.

Sometimes I'm rich, and sometimes I'm poor,

Nothing really matters when you're dead on the floor.repeat chorus:

Sometimes I'm hot and sometimes I'm cold,

Sometimes I feel like I'm getting old.

Sometimes I'm fast and sometimes times I'm slow,

Other times I don't even want to go.repeat chorus:

Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry,

Other times I sit and wonder why.

Sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down,

Other times I wanna blow this town.repeat chorus:

9:09 p.m. - 2002-01-17