Its one of those days where i just feel like dying.When do i ever not have one of those days? My mom just called and told me that i failed every single social 10 module. I knew i wouldnt do well but i certainly did not think i failed. What can you do though? I have to start all over again which just means i have to do it better and quicker so that i can get into social 20 next year. Oh god how i hate school.
Along with this i have the problem that i am dealing with alone. I love M. I know i do but i am scared that i'm going to end up doing something to hurt him. We had a conversation yesterday about what he would do if i cheated on him...he said that he would never be able to talk to me again. I dont want that but i dont know what i want. Sometimes i feel as though i just want girls and sometimes i feel that i want to have a master and be the slave girl and thats not how M. and my relationship is. Its about love and honesty and its pure. Those three things i am not.Along with that i havent been taking my anti-depressants that i'm supposed to take everyday so my chemical levels are fucking up and making me feel worse. I hate school, I hate life,I hate myself. Its a surprise that i dont hate every fucking thing in the world at the moment. Or maybe its not hate maybe its just sadness...oh hell who fucking cares anyways.
My girlfriend C. has a new boyfriend and i'm very happy for her and my girlfriend R. is going back out with her ex...i'm not so happy about that.C. and me are going to spend a weekend together at the lake sometime soon and some guys are coming along with us, one guy that she wants to set me up with is going too. I just know its gonna be fun.
Anyways i'll write more later i'm gonna go lie down.
4:56 p.m. - 2002-05-21
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