Trini girl, pretty face...coming at ya

So...he says he likes the fact that i respect myself and that i demand respect from others. I like that. Coming from a lebanese guy its definitely a good thing because lebanese guys around here either respect you or they dont and its better if they do cause if they dont, they end up using you. I told M. that i met a nice guy that i like.He was jealous for a second until i told him that i loved him. It was so adorable. Oh yeah...should have mentioned that...M. and i are talking again. After the whole issue with him saying that S. said stuff and her saying the opposite we became friends again. I dont think i'll ever stop loving him...i know my love for him might change from what it is today but i feel as if i NEED him in my life. Maybe thats a good thing or maybe it shows how stupid i can actually be...either way its how i feel right now. I told my brothers that i am bisexual...they ended up hitting me a few times and calling me a nasty girl but then they got over it so its all good. I spent a few days over there and I told my stepmom that i might be moving in with my stepdad when he gets out of jail. She told me that i should move in with her instead and she said her door is open anytime...i'm seriously considering it and not when i'm 16 but like now. I cant stand my mom and she just keeps getting worse and in a way it was better when the social workers werent here because we fought and got it out. They now say we shouldnt do that and we shouldnt talk about anything unless the social worker is here. Last time she came and me and my mom were fighting non-stop...she said she felt stuck thats a laugh and a half...im always feeling stuck and i'm incapable of fixing it. I'm lost and confused and i'm starting to realize how much i cant stand it.I'm depressed...well thats what the doctor says...I'm depressed and i'm in love with it which is why i wont take medication. Somehow i enjoy the pain...maybe because i think i deserve it...or maybe i'm scared that i wont be able to feel real without it. Either way its here to stay. My creative side is nil at the moment which is driving me crazy beyond repair. Without my creativity what am i? NOTHING *sighs* What can ya do i guess. My anger is starting to flare even more than before...anger management is what they said i need to take... i like my anger and as long as i take it out on the right people its all good for me. My moms new thing is all the guys phoning the house and how she cant trust me to just have guy friends. She just never shuts up. Yeah most of the guys that phone the house like me or wanna be with me but its not as if i cant control things myself. God, i'd be more worried about chicks phoning the house than guys if i were her but no she has to try and protect me. I feel like smacking her out sometimes and that might be a mean thing to say but i could give a fuck less. I think the reason she is so obsessed with my life is because she doesnt have her own*laughs*She should just let me date then i wouldnt have to sneak around. She seems to think that i'm some stupid litle girl who people can take advantage of but thats definitely not the case. I'm not stupid and i'm not little...not about shit like relationships and getting respect and respecting yourself. Anything i do i choose and want to do..no ones gonna force me to do anything cause they know that if they do i'll fight and i may be small but i can fight hard. Then they'd have to deal with my friends. Especially my girls and my stepdads and even my stepmom would be all up in their face. I know what i have i know what these guys want...but they arent going to get it unless i like them just as much.J.oh J...great guy...my boyfriend but when i told everyone that i wasnt allowed to be with more guys than him and i said i was going to do it they laughed.*giggles* its understandable why they would..my reputation is as a street playa...heart breaker. I thought i could do it...I mean stay with one guy...J...but as soon as i got with him i started noticing all the guys i wasnt getting. All these guys that phone my house wanting to get with me...thoughts run through my mind of getting with them and then i have to think I AM A GIRLFRIEND...I HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY NOT TO CHEAT.Then theres the fact that i've never been able to do it before...its only been a week and a half and already i'm aching for other people.The whole thing with me being in a gang now is great.I love the fact that it is like a family and that we protect each other...for some reason the gang life feels right to me and i never thought it would. I've changed. I know it. Before in my first diary entry i said that i dont respect people in gangs and now look at me...I'm in one. Back in those days i was quiet and sweet and i couldnt have defended myself worth shit...nowadays i'm the one to be steppin to people who get up in my face...i'm rougher...i'm tougher...but i still cry at night*rolls eyes* Some things never change. jello...shes a great person and i like her a lot...shes got all these problems with guys and i told her to just give up on them*giggles* Thats more for me than anything. I wouldnt mind having her as one of my girlfriends...shes totally awesome and sweet and understanding and for some reason when i started going out with M. i stopped talking to her.She pointed that out to me yesterday...she told me how she was upset because she had felt as if he had stolen a friend. If i had known she felt that way i would have done something about it sooner.*stops typing*...*starts typing* Yes well my mom just came down and said "turn down the fucking music" and i said hold on and she said"go to hell" Its her new favorite thing to say to me...so i said "been there, done that...so screw off" Well she didnt appreciate that very much*laughs* I hate her so much! I swear to god i'm going to go from suicide to matricide...it appeals to me a hell of a lot more. I just watched the movie Training Day...now that is a good movie...and the car the cop drives...ooooohhhh so sweet. I hate the ending though, it left me wanting more and i hate that. So i sent this test to my friends...it was all about me...S. got 50% and Andy got 40%. Then M. took the test and he got 100% I told S. and shes like hes a stalker...lol...it was so cute. I'm just surprised that he answered the questions all right, there were some hard ones on there. Its funny too he remembers that i love black roses and he remembered that i was a vegetarian and this was stuff i told him a long time ago.Hmmmm...i had to leave the guy that seems to love me the most dont i? I had to make it hard on myself...i'm in need of drugs. Which i cant have*tear*lol...no tears but i am sad because i'm craving something...and the tests my mom is randomly giving me include alcohol...which i could really go for too. JESUS CHRIST this is horrible.I had this crazy dream last night that i was walking to the bus stop from school to go home when this car pulls up beside me and my friends and someone calls my name from the car. I cant tell who it is because the windows are tinted but i went up to the car anyways because it was nice. So i'm near the car and the back door opens and someone jumps out and grabs me and pulls me into the car...they put something over my mouth and i fall asleep. Next thing i know i'm in a room that looks like my dream room. Water bed with black covers and dark red pillows, nice stereo, a bookshelf filled with spell books and books about vampires and the occult, a big screen t.v, a computer and a closet filled with beautiful clothes.So...I'm in this room and i'm starting to remember the car when this guy walks in. I cant see who it is but i have a feeling its a blonde guy...mid 20s or so...nice black clothes...tall and thin. He comes in and hes talking about how they had to help me and make me the perfect person and how i could work for them and when i was ready they would let me back into the world. So then it flashes forwards and i'm in the room and i feel like i know everything and can do anything and the guy walks in again and says your mom think you're dead so you have the choice to forget about her forever or let her know you are alive and we'll find a place for you to stay besides her place.Then it flashes to me living in this beautiful apartment with a balcony overlooking the city and i have all my friends over and we're listening to music and smoking weed and having drinks. Then the dream ends*laughs* That wouldnt be half bad if it actually happened. ANYONE WANT TO KIDNAP ME??*giggles* yes yes i actually do amuse myself..Anyways i'm going to go now because...um...i dont know...i just should...you guys must be bored of reading this long entry...no no that cant be right...you...guys...love...ME!!!*giggles* bye bye everyone

P.S M. say i have a sweet voice and a cute giggle...I LOVE HIM!! Its the little things that are so sweet...I'm really leaving now...bye bye

P.P.S or P.S.S whichever is right...I LOVE YOU ALL...hehe...no no i am not on crack*sticks out tongue* okay i'm leaving now. BYE BYE for GOOD

I'M BACK...*laughs* I KNEW YOU MISSED ME!!BUT YES NOW I AM REALLY LEAVING!!!BYE EVERYONE...ooohh wait a sec...does anyone else notice the difference between the beginning of this entry and this part? Maybe i am on crack...*giggles* but just a little....shhhhhh...i'm not supposed to have drugs unless my mom gives me them.....

JUST PLAYIN WITH YA!! I'm quite sober right now...picture me on drugs...Its a riot!!

2:24 p.m. - 2002-03-30